...there'd be days like this.
Confessions of an almost 30 year old single woman:
Most of the time I enjoy my independence. I don’t have to check someone else’s schedule if I want to have an impromptu dinner with a friend or take a road trip on a whim or buy a cute pair of new shoes or eat the last of the ice cream. I have the freedom to quit my job and move to Africa right now (though, the planner side of me starts to freak out). Seriously, life is pretty good. But, I gotta be honest:
Some days are hard.
Today is one of those days for no particular reason. Or maybe there is a reason that’s been building up since the last time I let the confession reach the surface.
My checklist of the ideal mate has evolved over the last decade since I sure have learned a lot about life and about love, especially watching other couples navigate what is surely the most difficult and rewarding relationship one can have on earth.
Ultimately what it comes down to is I want someone to know me and to love me in spite of myself.
I want him to challenge me when I want to avoid the situation and run away. I want him to make me laugh as we dance through life together. I want him to hold me when things are hard and remind me that he isn’t going anywhere. I want him to give our kids piggyback rides through the house and make sand castles with them on the beach. I want him to see how hard I’m trying, how much I care. I want him to love people in an incredibly generous way with gentleness and gracefulness. I want him to build our family up in prayer knowing that Christ binds us together. I want to feel the warmth of his love. I want him to be full of integrity. I want him to seek justice and advocate for those that have no voice. I want him to know that this is a commitment, one that’s gonna involve some hard work and probably some slammed doors and tears every once in awhile. I want him to know that it’s worth it.
Oh, and I want him to kiss me. A lot.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
one and only
This is another name my Dad has for me. It wasn't until recently that I realized how much I love it.
Anywho, I bought the new Adele CD a few weeks ago and Whisper promptly chewed a few holes through it, but thankfully I had already uploaded (or is it downloaded?) all the songs to my itunes library.
I heart Adele. Seriously. That girl can belt it out. I've been listening to her "One and Only" on repeat (it's very different than what my Dad means when he calls me 'one and only' in case you were curious, but I dig it just the same.
Here are some lyrics:
You've been on my mind,
I grow fonder every day,
Lose myself in time,
Just thinking of your face,
God only knows why it's taken me so long to let my doubts go,
You're the only one that I want,
I don't know why I'm scared,
I've been here before,
Every feeling, every word,
I've imagined it all,
You'll never know if you never try,
To forgive your past and simply be mine,
I dare you to let me be your, your one and only,
Promise I'm worth it,
To hold in your arms,
So come on and give me a chance,
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile,
Until the end starts,
***
Good stuff, no?
Here's a bit of randomness for you...
Tonight's fortune cookie (I bought a bag in Chicago's Chinatown) reads:
"You are admired from afar"
What does that mean? How far is 'afar'? Is it across the room at Crossroads? Is it several states away? Is it Africa? C'mon, fortune cookie, don't leave me hanging like that.
Anywho, I bought the new Adele CD a few weeks ago and Whisper promptly chewed a few holes through it, but thankfully I had already uploaded (or is it downloaded?) all the songs to my itunes library.
I heart Adele. Seriously. That girl can belt it out. I've been listening to her "One and Only" on repeat (it's very different than what my Dad means when he calls me 'one and only' in case you were curious, but I dig it just the same.
Here are some lyrics:
You've been on my mind,
I grow fonder every day,
Lose myself in time,
Just thinking of your face,
God only knows why it's taken me so long to let my doubts go,
You're the only one that I want,
I don't know why I'm scared,
I've been here before,
Every feeling, every word,
I've imagined it all,
You'll never know if you never try,
To forgive your past and simply be mine,
I dare you to let me be your, your one and only,
Promise I'm worth it,
To hold in your arms,
So come on and give me a chance,
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile,
Until the end starts,
***
Good stuff, no?
Here's a bit of randomness for you...
Tonight's fortune cookie (I bought a bag in Chicago's Chinatown) reads:
"You are admired from afar"
What does that mean? How far is 'afar'? Is it across the room at Crossroads? Is it several states away? Is it Africa? C'mon, fortune cookie, don't leave me hanging like that.
Monday, March 21, 2011
ambitious, much?
This list thing is tougher than I thought it would be. Well, that and other things are getting in the way of life (*coughworkcough*). My birthday is just over four months away, so I better kick it into gear.
Here's the updated list, with updates in bold and/or crossed off:
1. Take a spontaneous road trip.
2. Pass the Series 7 Exam.
3. Lose 30 additional pounds.
4. Grow some of my own food. Last week I sent in my application for a CSA share. I'm so excited. My mom is also planning to garden quite a bit this summer, but since she lives an hour away it will be hard to be there every week.
5. Splurge on myself by buying something solely because I love it. I'm actually quite good at this. I am still very practical whenever I buy something though and that's what I was hoping for with this goal that I would just splurge without thinking about it much. I hosted a jewelry party last month and ended up getting a lot of gorgeous jewelry, so I'm crossing this one off the list.
6. Host a game night.
7. Learn to bake bread from scratch.
8. Take some modeling photos.
9. Go on a hike.
10. Go on a blind date.
11. Invest in creating community. Out of the blue I had this great little idea of hosting a monthly dinner at my house for friends, family, etc. to come together. Not everyone has to know everyone, but I wanted to have a time to build community. So, on a whim I did it. There were only four of us for dinner, but I had a great time hanging out and am looking forward to the next dinner. I also have been a part of a group that meets to learn more about poverty and we're planning to continue our journey. And I meet with two other women at least once a month for a small group (they're lovely). When I wrote this one down I said that it is ongoing and it is, but I know it's something I try to do so I'm crossing this one off.
12. Put pen to paper and express my love for someone. Mail the letter.
13. Be kind to someone that has caused me pain.
14. Grow in my forgiveness of x.
15. Take my nieces and nephew somewhere fun. I can't wait to cross this one off the list! Well, technically I could go ahead and cross it off b/c I took one of my nieces and my nephew to the park last week.
16. Commit to reading my Bible often.
17. Volunteer with an organization that I care about.
18. Create tree painting for my living room.
19. Take a dance class.
20. Cook an entire "from scratch" dinner.
21. Train Whisper. Oy. Yes, I'm crossing it off. He's not completely trained and I think this will be an ongoing thing for quite awhile, but he did "earn" his Beginner class certificate from training last week. I have a really cute picture I'll share later.
22. Blog at least once a month. I'm on track to make this one happen!
23. Enjoy the sunrise over the Ohio, or somewhere more glamorous.
24. Travel somewhere new.
25. Jog a mile. I have fallen off the proverbial wagon...time to jump back on.
26. Finish CD gift for my brothers that I started a long time ago.
27. Use the envelope system again. I'll wait until I'm at least two months in before I cross this one off, but I have started using the envelopes again.
28. Change the Game. Live it. Some days are better than others, but it's small steps in the right direction.
29. Get a tattoo. Maybe. I'm kind of a wimp when it comes to pain.
30. Celebrate my 30th birthday. Enjoy it. Live it out. Oh my gosh I'm so excited about my birthday party plans. I think it's going to be a blast. Details to come!
So, that's the update. Three crossed off, 6 in progress and a whole bunch more to start. I'll check back in later.
The whole "no facebook" thing is extremely difficult. I'm not doing so hot on that. I think there are some things in my life that I'm avoiding dealing with and spending a bunch of time online or doing other meaningless things helps me avoid them. *sigh* Guess I better try to figure out what those things are, huh? Sometimes being an adult kind of sucks. Sometimes it's fantastic! (like today when I ate a handful of chips with my PB&J whole wheat english muffin and no one could stop me.) ahem.
Here's the updated list, with updates in bold and/or crossed off:
1. Take a spontaneous road trip.
2. Pass the Series 7 Exam.
3. Lose 30 additional pounds.
4. Grow some of my own food. Last week I sent in my application for a CSA share. I'm so excited. My mom is also planning to garden quite a bit this summer, but since she lives an hour away it will be hard to be there every week.
6. Host a game night.
7. Learn to bake bread from scratch.
8. Take some modeling photos.
9. Go on a hike.
10. Go on a blind date.
12. Put pen to paper and express my love for someone. Mail the letter.
13. Be kind to someone that has caused me pain.
14. Grow in my forgiveness of x.
15. Take my nieces and nephew somewhere fun. I can't wait to cross this one off the list! Well, technically I could go ahead and cross it off b/c I took one of my nieces and my nephew to the park last week.
16. Commit to reading my Bible often.
17. Volunteer with an organization that I care about.
18. Create tree painting for my living room.
19. Take a dance class.
20. Cook an entire "from scratch" dinner.
22. Blog at least once a month. I'm on track to make this one happen!
23. Enjoy the sunrise over the Ohio, or somewhere more glamorous.
24. Travel somewhere new.
25. Jog a mile. I have fallen off the proverbial wagon...time to jump back on.
26. Finish CD gift for my brothers that I started a long time ago.
27. Use the envelope system again. I'll wait until I'm at least two months in before I cross this one off, but I have started using the envelopes again.
28. Change the Game. Live it. Some days are better than others, but it's small steps in the right direction.
29. Get a tattoo. Maybe. I'm kind of a wimp when it comes to pain.
30. Celebrate my 30th birthday. Enjoy it. Live it out. Oh my gosh I'm so excited about my birthday party plans. I think it's going to be a blast. Details to come!
So, that's the update. Three crossed off, 6 in progress and a whole bunch more to start. I'll check back in later.
The whole "no facebook" thing is extremely difficult. I'm not doing so hot on that. I think there are some things in my life that I'm avoiding dealing with and spending a bunch of time online or doing other meaningless things helps me avoid them. *sigh* Guess I better try to figure out what those things are, huh? Sometimes being an adult kind of sucks. Sometimes it's fantastic! (like today when I ate a handful of chips with my PB&J whole wheat english muffin and no one could stop me.) ahem.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Day 1: Reflection
This is the time of night where I typically waste time on facebook catching up on every status that I missed throughout the day. Instead, I'm sitting here after a very long and emotionally draining day of work and then a lovely dinner with good people that I like a lot so a great end to this day.
This day was a whirlwind, another day of "hanging on" at work. My friend's right; at some point it gets too tiring to keep "hanging on". I feel like that time is coming quicker than I'm ready for. If I had a way out right now, I think it wouldn't be much of a decision. It has left me wondering what is really holding me back. The easy answer is money. It isn't easy making it all work on one income with no support from anyone else. It all falls on my shoulders.
The biggest expense is of course my house. I LOVE my house and feel like it was a blessing, but I also know that if I were renting I would have more wiggle room as far as what kind of income I would require.
It's definitely something to at least consider.
This day was a whirlwind, another day of "hanging on" at work. My friend's right; at some point it gets too tiring to keep "hanging on". I feel like that time is coming quicker than I'm ready for. If I had a way out right now, I think it wouldn't be much of a decision. It has left me wondering what is really holding me back. The easy answer is money. It isn't easy making it all work on one income with no support from anyone else. It all falls on my shoulders.
The biggest expense is of course my house. I LOVE my house and feel like it was a blessing, but I also know that if I were renting I would have more wiggle room as far as what kind of income I would require.
It's definitely something to at least consider.
Monday, March 7, 2011
With empty hands.
My Dad has a nickname for me; it's busy-bee. You see, I'm good at staying busy. Busy-ness is not the same thing as being productive, and when it comes down to it, it simply isn't healthy. It creates this unbalance in my life and it's taking its toll on me. For the last several weeks I have been running from one thing to the next and when I do have a free moment at home I'm spending my time looking at time-wasting things online (facebook or blogs, anyone?). Instead of feeling truly connected with people I'm left feeling overwhelmed.
I wonder how much of this is attributed to our non-stop American culture that says to get ahead or fit it all in you can only sleep 5.5 hours per night because you simply have too much going on in your life for anything more. When I was working two jobs working very hard to make a goal happen it was a luxury to sleep more than 6 hours a night. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Thankfully, that part of my life is behind me (hopefully forever). When I was in Africa last year it struck me that I liked being so disconnected from constant technology and was able to live more simply.
I'm being gently nudged that the time to rest has come. And, as much as I have been kicking and screaming to avoid this from happening it has come to the point where nothing sounds better than a vacation from the busy-ness of my every day life. Who wants to live with that thought?
I've been contemplating giving up facebook during Lent as a way to free up some time and let go of the hold that it has over me. Just in writing these words I've decided that my actions need to go a step further to address the actual problem instead of a symptom. I'm not entirely sure what that will look like, but I think it is time for me to release some things I've been holding onto. After all, someone once said that you can't receive anything new from God until you're holding out empty hands for God to fill them.
Here, God, are my empty hands for only you to fill.
I wonder how much of this is attributed to our non-stop American culture that says to get ahead or fit it all in you can only sleep 5.5 hours per night because you simply have too much going on in your life for anything more. When I was working two jobs working very hard to make a goal happen it was a luxury to sleep more than 6 hours a night. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Thankfully, that part of my life is behind me (hopefully forever). When I was in Africa last year it struck me that I liked being so disconnected from constant technology and was able to live more simply.
I'm being gently nudged that the time to rest has come. And, as much as I have been kicking and screaming to avoid this from happening it has come to the point where nothing sounds better than a vacation from the busy-ness of my every day life. Who wants to live with that thought?
I've been contemplating giving up facebook during Lent as a way to free up some time and let go of the hold that it has over me. Just in writing these words I've decided that my actions need to go a step further to address the actual problem instead of a symptom. I'm not entirely sure what that will look like, but I think it is time for me to release some things I've been holding onto. After all, someone once said that you can't receive anything new from God until you're holding out empty hands for God to fill them.
Here, God, are my empty hands for only you to fill.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Update on #21: Train Whisper. Oy.
This is more of an update to the "Oy" part than the "train Whisper" bit.
I'm frustrated. Really the only one to blame is myself, but it's been a frustrating weekend with Whisper. I dearly love the little guy and the sentiment that I keep saying to him is, "it's a good thing you're so cute" but the cuteness factor is losing its luster. It's time to make some changes and follow through on what I've been saying for awhile now. He needs more play time than I can give him right now since it gets dark so early still. He needs some discipline and I need lots of help in setting up those boundaries and help with the follow through.
He pulls on his leash while going for a walk. He chews on everything. Seriously. He would put Tigger to shame with the bouncing. He's taken to barking frequently, and loudly. Generally, it's all part of having a puppy, but at some point he's got to grow up and that time, my friends, has arrived.
He doesn't know what he's in for (insert evil laugh).
By the end of February:
*Whisper will be joining Puppy Camp (doggy day care) for at least one day a week until Spring hits and we can get to the dog park during the week and more frequently.
*Whisper and I will be participating in some sort of structured training.
Oh, and while we're at it, let's do a quick rundown of Whisper related numbers:
3: number of people he has made bleed from "playing"
11: number of times he has pooped inside (most of this happened when I was sick and could barely function, let alone take a dog outside for extended periods of time)
6: number of leashes that have been chewed through
2: number of baseboards chewed
6: number pairs of ruined shoes
3: number pairs of gloves chewed
It doesn't end there, but for my sanity I should stop.
Donations accepted. Please make checks payable to me with "whisper fund" in the memo line.
p.s. I know you can't tell from this post, but I actually love the little guy. *sigh* Reminds me of Marley and Me and their "clearance puppy".
I'm frustrated. Really the only one to blame is myself, but it's been a frustrating weekend with Whisper. I dearly love the little guy and the sentiment that I keep saying to him is, "it's a good thing you're so cute" but the cuteness factor is losing its luster. It's time to make some changes and follow through on what I've been saying for awhile now. He needs more play time than I can give him right now since it gets dark so early still. He needs some discipline and I need lots of help in setting up those boundaries and help with the follow through.
He pulls on his leash while going for a walk. He chews on everything. Seriously. He would put Tigger to shame with the bouncing. He's taken to barking frequently, and loudly. Generally, it's all part of having a puppy, but at some point he's got to grow up and that time, my friends, has arrived.
He doesn't know what he's in for (insert evil laugh).
By the end of February:
*Whisper will be joining Puppy Camp (doggy day care) for at least one day a week until Spring hits and we can get to the dog park during the week and more frequently.
*Whisper and I will be participating in some sort of structured training.
Oh, and while we're at it, let's do a quick rundown of Whisper related numbers:
3: number of people he has made bleed from "playing"
11: number of times he has pooped inside (most of this happened when I was sick and could barely function, let alone take a dog outside for extended periods of time)
6: number of leashes that have been chewed through
2: number of baseboards chewed
6: number pairs of ruined shoes
3: number pairs of gloves chewed
It doesn't end there, but for my sanity I should stop.
Donations accepted. Please make checks payable to me with "whisper fund" in the memo line.
p.s. I know you can't tell from this post, but I actually love the little guy. *sigh* Reminds me of Marley and Me and their "clearance puppy".
Saturday, January 15, 2011
30 before 30
It's no secret that I heart lists. I've been cultivating my "Life List" for the last month or so, whenever I have time to think about it. This morning I came across a blog post of "30 before 30". It's pretty self explanatory, but the idea is to compile a list of 30 things to do before you turn 30 years old. I've got about six months until my 30th birthday, so I'm gonna give it a shot. It's actually making me re-think my Life List. I may ditch that and continue an annual birthday list (31 before 31, 32 before 32, and so on).
This list is pretty ambitious, but here goes:
1. Take a spontaneous road trip.
2. Pass the Series 7 Exam.
3. Lose 30 additional pounds. (my goal is actually higher than this, but 30 is more realistic and it goes with the theme.)
4. Grow some of my own food. I'm hoping to join a CSA this year, but we'll see. Anyone interested in sharing a CSA share?
5. Splurge on myself by buying something solely because I love it.
6. Host a game night.
7. Learn to bake bread from scratch.
8. Take some modeling photos; This isn't because I want to be a model, but b/c I think it will push me out of my comfort zone.
9. Go on a hike. I actually kind of dig hiking, but I haven't done it much. Here's to more hiking in 2011!
10. Go on a blind date. I've never been on a blind date and while the thought is somewhat frightening, it is also a little exciting. Alright, friends, I guess I need your help on this one...be nice to me.
11. Invest in creating community. This is ongoing, but it's worth a slot on the list.
12. Put pen to paper and express my love for someone. Mail the letter. One of my goals of my life has always been to make sure that the people I love never have to question that I love them. I want to express that love in both words and actions, and often.
13. Be kind to someone that has caused me pain.
14. Grow in my forgiveness of x.
15. Take my nieces and nephew somewhere fun.
16. Commit to reading my Bible often. I'm contemplating the idea of a "read through the Bible in a year" type of thing.
17. Volunteer with an organization that I care about.
18. Create tree painting for my living room.
19. Take a dance class. I've secretly always wanted to be a great dancer. I'm not very graceful and my rhythm could use a little (a lot of) help. I can't believe I'm actually admitting this right now. 2011 is my year to be bold.
20. Cook an entire "from scratch" dinner.
21. Train Whisper. Oy.
22. Blog at least once a month.
23. Enjoy the sunrise over the Ohio, or somewhere more glamorous.
24. Travel somewhere new.
25. Jog a mile. I don't care how long it takes at this point, I just want to be able to do it without dying.
26. Finish CD gift for my brothers that I started a long time ago.
27. Use the envelope system again.
28. Change the Game. Live it.
29. Get a tattoo. Maybe. I'm kind of a wimp when it comes to pain.
30. Celebrate my 30th birthday. Enjoy it. Live it out.
I'm really glad I took the time to make this list. It took some restraint to not copy some cool things that other bloggers wrote, but I think this list is very authentic to who I am or at least the person I am growing into. The list is also indicative of some of the things I am currently pursuing. Things like facing fear, living with boldness, growing in confidence, pursuing forgiveness, creating community, loving people, and loving the life God has given me.
Over the next six months I'll update the list and maybe even expand on a few of the more ambiguous ones. Here's me giving you permission to hold me accountable. This is gonna be a great end to my twenties!!!
This list is pretty ambitious, but here goes:
1. Take a spontaneous road trip.
2. Pass the Series 7 Exam.
3. Lose 30 additional pounds. (my goal is actually higher than this, but 30 is more realistic and it goes with the theme.)
4. Grow some of my own food. I'm hoping to join a CSA this year, but we'll see. Anyone interested in sharing a CSA share?
5. Splurge on myself by buying something solely because I love it.
6. Host a game night.
7. Learn to bake bread from scratch.
8. Take some modeling photos; This isn't because I want to be a model, but b/c I think it will push me out of my comfort zone.
9. Go on a hike. I actually kind of dig hiking, but I haven't done it much. Here's to more hiking in 2011!
10. Go on a blind date. I've never been on a blind date and while the thought is somewhat frightening, it is also a little exciting. Alright, friends, I guess I need your help on this one...be nice to me.
11. Invest in creating community. This is ongoing, but it's worth a slot on the list.
12. Put pen to paper and express my love for someone. Mail the letter. One of my goals of my life has always been to make sure that the people I love never have to question that I love them. I want to express that love in both words and actions, and often.
13. Be kind to someone that has caused me pain.
14. Grow in my forgiveness of x.
15. Take my nieces and nephew somewhere fun.
16. Commit to reading my Bible often. I'm contemplating the idea of a "read through the Bible in a year" type of thing.
17. Volunteer with an organization that I care about.
18. Create tree painting for my living room.
19. Take a dance class. I've secretly always wanted to be a great dancer. I'm not very graceful and my rhythm could use a little (a lot of) help. I can't believe I'm actually admitting this right now. 2011 is my year to be bold.
20. Cook an entire "from scratch" dinner.
21. Train Whisper. Oy.
22. Blog at least once a month.
23. Enjoy the sunrise over the Ohio, or somewhere more glamorous.
24. Travel somewhere new.
25. Jog a mile. I don't care how long it takes at this point, I just want to be able to do it without dying.
26. Finish CD gift for my brothers that I started a long time ago.
27. Use the envelope system again.
28. Change the Game. Live it.
29. Get a tattoo. Maybe. I'm kind of a wimp when it comes to pain.
30. Celebrate my 30th birthday. Enjoy it. Live it out.
I'm really glad I took the time to make this list. It took some restraint to not copy some cool things that other bloggers wrote, but I think this list is very authentic to who I am or at least the person I am growing into. The list is also indicative of some of the things I am currently pursuing. Things like facing fear, living with boldness, growing in confidence, pursuing forgiveness, creating community, loving people, and loving the life God has given me.
Over the next six months I'll update the list and maybe even expand on a few of the more ambiguous ones. Here's me giving you permission to hold me accountable. This is gonna be a great end to my twenties!!!
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